Waxing Crescent
Foreword
I wrote this essay on June 18, 2021. I have had a lot of partings of my life. Some of them were rather painful. I think I had been through a lot to realize the separation of people is eventually inevitable. Life is like a train that has no terminal, or should I say one terminal, death. The people you meet during your life are the passengers on the train. Sometimes the passenger who sits next to you might have much to talk about with. But, he will get off this train eventually, and inevitably, since this is your life, the only passenger who waits till the terminal is only you. Yes. PEOPLE ARE LIKE WINDS. They come and go, and don't look back, look forward, and keep finishing your journey.
And yes, the character is based on a real person. I apologize that I didn't ask for his permission before I publish this essay. The story was rough, and I have taken a huge amount of time to get over it. As I said above, the separation was inevitable, only memories matter.
And, hey, I hope your misery is no longer bothering you, life is not easy for everyone, but it's gonna continue anyways. I hope that you will find what you are looking for, and become who you want to be.
Louis
5/6/2022
I
I asked him to tell some stories of his. He said what kind of.
I said: “Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?”
I was thinking if he’s some random vulgar person with mediocre minds he'd probably reply something like “I came from Iowa, I moved here last year because…”, but it turned out that he really interpreted my question philosophically.
He replied:
”We are all lying to ourselves. The universe doesn’t exist for us alone, but by our human condition, it renders us incapable of seeing past ourselves. No matter the good or bad we do, we still cannot realize anything beyond our own perception.”
I said I am seeking the ultimate answer for life, which he didn't think I'd be able to find. He said:
"I think that just as the stars are lingering in space alone and mighty we are like them. Only through zooming out and seeing how stars together make galaxies and galaxies make clusters do we see some pattern. But as humans looking at such massive objects we can only recognize their structural and 3d significance. "
"Like you and I, we both are viewing life and experiencing it in our own heads. We are the one and only subject in our heads, but zooming out we are humans who are a part of a social structure that make up the human species on earth. We can recognize that when cells are individual there's not much meaning there but together they make tissues that make us. And we assume their purpose is to make human."
His words immediately remind me of that article I wrote, which is about philosophical consciousness and human perception. I was a little shocked but I was also relieved. His grim and sadness didn’t bother me but indicated a noble nature kind. It feels like something broke through the gate inside of my mind, and I grew anxious to interpret my thoughts as if I was drowning in a bottomless linguistics ocean. I recalled my memories were yet to find this invaluable moment in the past, a moment that gave me such a strong scene of Deja Vu.
He said he was born under the waxing crescent while in the southern hemisphere.
I said: “Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?”
I was thinking if he’s some random vulgar person with mediocre minds he'd probably reply something like “I came from Iowa, I moved here last year because…”, but it turned out that he really interpreted my question philosophically.
He replied:
”We are all lying to ourselves. The universe doesn’t exist for us alone, but by our human condition, it renders us incapable of seeing past ourselves. No matter the good or bad we do, we still cannot realize anything beyond our own perception.”
I said I am seeking the ultimate answer for life, which he didn't think I'd be able to find. He said:
"I think that just as the stars are lingering in space alone and mighty we are like them. Only through zooming out and seeing how stars together make galaxies and galaxies make clusters do we see some pattern. But as humans looking at such massive objects we can only recognize their structural and 3d significance. "
"Like you and I, we both are viewing life and experiencing it in our own heads. We are the one and only subject in our heads, but zooming out we are humans who are a part of a social structure that make up the human species on earth. We can recognize that when cells are individual there's not much meaning there but together they make tissues that make us. And we assume their purpose is to make human."
His words immediately remind me of that article I wrote, which is about philosophical consciousness and human perception. I was a little shocked but I was also relieved. His grim and sadness didn’t bother me but indicated a noble nature kind. It feels like something broke through the gate inside of my mind, and I grew anxious to interpret my thoughts as if I was drowning in a bottomless linguistics ocean. I recalled my memories were yet to find this invaluable moment in the past, a moment that gave me such a strong scene of Deja Vu.
He said he was born under the waxing crescent while in the southern hemisphere.
II
He said he was born under the waxing crescent in the southern hemisphere.
And I was trying to explain what is Chinese Zodiac. Chinese people divide a day into 12 parts, and each part is corresponding to a unique animal. I was born in the time of the ram, which is the early afternoon, in the year of the hare.
I said it was kind of surprising he was named byXXX(I deleted this part for the protection of personal privacy)which made more sense to me. He followed his mother like a magnet after born, a mother who stayed up late, so he gave up the embrace of the sun and turned into the moon. If we were to say the father is the sun, then the mother must be the moon. A child who took the shine of father shall be sunny, whereas a child who embraced the illumination of the mother shall be grim.
Then he asked a series of questions;
Sun or moon.
Wind or earth.
Do you see the world end in hotness or coldness?
Fish or bird.
Ant or spider.
Killing or giving up
Endless void or reincarnation.
"Moon, wind, heat death, bird, ant, giving up, endless void," I replied.
A shadow seemed to be cast on his face. He said if he asked me and willingly gave me permission to help him commit suicide, will I help him.
I said no.
I said life is infinite series of possibilities. There may be reincarnation, but I am not willing to take the risk of running into an endless void, but I immediately felt those words were like sarcasm to me. I would never consider possibilities in life if I were to kill myself, so I changed my words.
“Sometimes the moon interferes with our feelings. Our moods are just like the tides of the ocean, they rise and go with the lunatic gravity. “
“Someone says the moon is leaving us. Maybe millions of years later, there will be no more waxing crescent children.”
No one can escape the law of entropy increase, and we shall vanish with the heat death of the universe.
Who cares about the moon.
And I was trying to explain what is Chinese Zodiac. Chinese people divide a day into 12 parts, and each part is corresponding to a unique animal. I was born in the time of the ram, which is the early afternoon, in the year of the hare.
I said it was kind of surprising he was named by
Then he asked a series of questions;
Sun or moon.
Wind or earth.
Do you see the world end in hotness or coldness?
Fish or bird.
Ant or spider.
Killing or giving up
Endless void or reincarnation.
"Moon, wind, heat death, bird, ant, giving up, endless void," I replied.
A shadow seemed to be cast on his face. He said if he asked me and willingly gave me permission to help him commit suicide, will I help him.
I said no.
I said life is infinite series of possibilities. There may be reincarnation, but I am not willing to take the risk of running into an endless void, but I immediately felt those words were like sarcasm to me. I would never consider possibilities in life if I were to kill myself, so I changed my words.
“Sometimes the moon interferes with our feelings. Our moods are just like the tides of the ocean, they rise and go with the lunatic gravity. “
“Someone says the moon is leaving us. Maybe millions of years later, there will be no more waxing crescent children.”
No one can escape the law of entropy increase, and we shall vanish with the heat death of the universe.
Who cares about the moon.
III
The fate is sealed.
Guess he was right; fate has already made its choice.
A great poet Rumi once said a relationship is a mirror that reflects your true self. I saw myself, in his eye, especially the dark side of him. Moon has phases, and so does human. The waxing crescent is so weak because only a little part of its surface is illuminated, beyond light, is the wide dark shade, and I am the one, who is standing under the shadow. Something he had been through evoked the deep sympathy in my subconscious. Once you were shrouded by darkness, this feeling would never go away, it would be carved in your heart and render you the offspring of the waxing crescent. When I look deeper into his eyes, I suddenly realize that it does not matter whether he is the offspring of the waxing crescent but me. He is the illumination of the moon's surface while it is me that projects all the dark shade on the moon's surface.
I would love to pull anyone deep into the damp swamp, however, the harder I tried, the deeper I will sink into the swamp, I am not capable nor competent to get anyone out of the swamp, maybe I don’t even want to get anyone out of the swamp but myself. The one I have been always trying to save is none but me. Or shall I say, no one actually wants to help other people, all the favors one does only favor himself. Someone may show deep sympathy to a stray dog, takes him home, and treats him like family. It is just because he was once living on the street and nobody had ever offered him a warm shelter. His subconscious was not intending to save that stray dog but to save himself of the past, the one once who was lonely, homeless, hopeless, and living on the street without receiving any help at all. Yet now he has offered the hand, to save himself.
I am the man who once lived on the street. More than once, had I been urged to step into that shade of the waxing crescent to feel the pain and illuminate the moon again, but from the deep inside of my heart, I had already known I am not the one who could illuminate the moon. The moon spins himself, when the right time comes, the full moon will come out again.
Eventually, he no longer illuminates my moon, and now I realize I have become the waxing crescent boy.
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